The Diversity Projekt
Empowerment for All People of Color
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Really, it is that scary!
Welcome to Kathrin’s somewhat bumpy trip down memory lane of traumatic needle episodes!
Trypanophobia – an irrational and often intense fear of hypodermic needles or injections – though it is often incorrectly called belonephobia, a name which simply denotes fear of pins or needles, without referring to the medical aspects.
Blood, sweat and tears….literally! Being within 50 feet of a needle puts me into a panic. Just thinking about them sends my pulse through the roof.
The back story is quite complicated, made murky as I only remember bits and pieces, so bear with me. I think much of it stems back to when I was 8 or 9 years old. My dad and I used to go to this military clinic in Germany every couple of months for testing. I don’t remember specifically why I was having the tests done, but it had something to do with my bone structure. The reason really isn’t pertinent to the story. Every time was traumatic, but the very last appointment took the cake. I remember the lab tech continually missing my vein. I remember my dad getting angry. I remember being hysterical. I remember my dad yelling. I remember the look on the lab techs face. I remember leaving. And…that’s all she wrote! Since then I have had major issues with needles. Ok, well…full stop! I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 6 or 7 and wanting to go home with the IV still in my hand. It was a huge to do for them to touch by hand. Full blown fit ensued!
My phobia grew from there. Most doctors and dentists that I have encountered since then have been patronizing, condescending and quite impatient with me. Some of them told me to suck it up, to act my age even. None of that has been extremely helpful in managing my phobia let alone helping me move beyond it.
Several years ago I thought about addressing this issue in therapy. I initially started therapy because of The Ex. Talking to someone helped me begin to see how damaging that relationship was and ultimately helped me cope (and not react) when she pulled her final power play. After several months it felt like I was moving on, so I decided to use my therapy time wisely. We had some initially discussions about my fear of needles. I remember the day I began to tell her the back story and her response….”this doesn’t make you a whip…it makes you a special needs patient.” Well…the walls went up and that was all she wrote! Being characterized a special needs patient felt worse than being considered a wimp…at least in my mind.
I ended up researching this phobia even after I stopped going to therapy. I am a combination of associative and resistive, save for the fact that I don’t have any violent responses to needles. Flight yes, fight no! I am not really sure what exactly I am afraid of. I am not afraid of pain per se (well we shall revisit this in another post). I can deal with immunizations and injections. I dealt with Depo several yrs ago to regulate my cycle. I can even psych myself up for the dentist. However, IVS and giving blood…hot mess!
I finally got up the nerve to schedule my annual exam WITH labs. A lot of recent discussions motivates me to finally take that step. I rarely ever avoid my annual check up, but the lab component has always been more complicated. So, I did the bravest thing I knew how….I scheduled it for when the Medic is in town. I already thought about what excuse I could come up with to get out of it. I know the Medic won’t let me, but still….the thought crossed my mind! How the hell do I get out of this?!
So here is the question – do I want her to hold my hand or if possible, do I want her to do it? I have no relationship or track record with a lab tech at my doctors office (since I haven’t had blood work done in four years…maybe more), so that is going to make me nervous. So, who I trust more is a given. However, if she is doing it, then she can’t hold my hand. Yeah the rational part of me thinks this thought process is absolutely absurd!
Thoughs?
Friends with Boundaries
Addiction has touched my family in more ways than I can count. [Significantly redacted] I was recently asked to remove this post. I felt extremely hurt and silenced by this request. After much contemplation I have decided to remove what I think was at issue and retain the rest of this post without edit. I doubt this will resolve the issue from the other party’s perspective, but welcome a dialogue. Nevertheless, I will say this….addiction issues in my family lead me to seek out Al-Anon. Otherwise, why would someone randomly seek out Al Anon, right? Addiction, whether one’s own or that of someone we love, impacts everyone differently. It impacts an entire family, no matter how far away someone lives….half way across the country or around the world. For good or bad, I have always processed out loud – relationship issues (post fact), identity issues, finding my birth father…the list goes on. I never do so in a way that is meant to hurt anyone involved and I take special care in only telling my story.
Anyway…back to regular scheduled programming!
I also have several friends who struggle with their addictions on a daily basis – sometimes more than others.
Ever so often one of them pops into my life in an extremely dysfunctional manner. It ends up being more a cry for attention than actually asking for help. A really thin line there, I know. The conversation usually goes something like this:
Her: “I am sinking”
Me: “Have you been to a meeting?”
Her: “No”
Me: “Have you talked to your sponsor?”
Her: “No, she wouldn’t understand.”
Me: “Do you want to go to a meeting together?”
Her: “No, I just want to talk to you.”…at which point I take a step back.
When my sister was going through her issues I had already been living on my own for close to 5 years. I don’t think I have ever been so worried or panicked before. My first thought…how do I fix this? I not only wanted to fix my sister but wanted to fix things for my parents. It was through their filter that I was learning about the situation. Hearing the pain in their voice triggered my need to fix fix fix. At the suggestion of a friend I decided to see what Al-Anon was all about. It was probably the best think that I have ever done for myself. I even attended a few AA meetings for perspective. I haven’t been in a while, but it’s always my first recourse when I am in need of a bit of therapy. I doubt that I would have made it through that phase of mine in tact without some of the friendships I established through AA and Al-Anon. Actually, I am sure that I wouldn’t have.
I’ve stopped trying to fix everything and came to realize that I don’t need fixing either. That was probably the hardest lesson to learn. It used to almost be a knee jerk reaction – something is wrong, I fix it. It explains several of my past relationships. Yet, instead of fixing someone I just became a bit more broken, battered and bruised each time. I learned to discern the difference between my baggage and the baggage of others, as well as how to communicate that difference. I learned that I can only take responsibility for my own baggage and how that impacts my actions and the words I speak. I didn’t learn how to communicate boundaries until much later. I have Shay to thank for that one. It would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had.
Anyway…so fast forward to the present:
….the plan is to meet tomorrow for breakfast/coffee to talk with the condition that we *sigh* are going to a meeting tomorrow…perhaps The Mustard Seed during lunch or William Way after work. I haven’t been down that road in a long long time, so should be interesting.
I expect a lot of “where have you been?” questions. I only touch base regularly with a select few. This probably sounds silly given how much I share on TDP and Facebook, but I want some sense of privacy, that what I share with others is intentional and I have some sense of control of who I share things with. Yes, I know….stop laughing! Doesn’t matter though, because I committed to going and go I shall!
Breaking through..
TDP has been quiet for a while, but I am definitely back. I’ve been battling some writer’s block. Work has been incredibly busy. Salsa is also taking up a good portion of my time, especially now that I am committed to the Spring 2010 Showcase.
So, here is a little run down of where Kathrin has been and why TDP took a bit of a mini-vaca:
Work
I just celebrated my first year at NSC. We have accomplished a lot in that first year. Nevertheless, many things have still been left undone and year two will be packed with new fundraising, outreach and advocacy initiatives. Some exciting things are in the works and I will be sure to share them with you as soon as they are cleared for release.
Simple Living
I moved out of my old apartment in NE Philadelphia and now call Center City Philadelphia home. I sold a lot of my furniture in the process and sorted through dozens of boxes of belongings. The purge was liberating – truly! It’s amazing how much free time I have now – no more 2+hours of daily commute time. My commute these days is 15 minutes door to door.
Healthy Living
I finally have my act together health living wise. Since starting salsa I have shed almost 50lbs (since starting weight watchers about 40lbs). I have tons more energy and just feel better all the way around. Everyone says they can see it in my face. I shall take their word for it, because I can’t tell.
Salsa
I have been taking salsa classes at Estilo Dance Studio for several months now and am completely hooked. I am finally at that point where I can let go enough to feel the music versus just focusing on the steps. I am officially committed to performance class. We are really getting into the choreography, and I am shocked that we are only 23 seconds into a 3 minute routine. I am up for the challenge though. This is going to be kick ass!
Family
My dad comes home in 5 days. He has been stationed abroad for 2 years. Time did not go by as fast as I wanted it to, but the important thing is that he is home. I will be spending 4 days with my family in Florida. It’s good to have the entire family together again for Christmas. Last year felt all wrong! I will be sure to post lots of photos and even some video clips. My camera and Flip will be coming with me…..along with my laptop of course. I don’t expect to be on too much, but will update periodically.
My sister joined the Army a few weeks ago. It’s a great move for her. She is at her unit today getting fitted for her uniform. She leaves for basic training in March, followed immediately by specialized training – paramedic - and won’t be home until sometime in September. My mom gets the sense that she will petition to go active once everything is said and done. This raises the likelihood of her deployment, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
SwirlPhilly
SwirlPhilly has been a bit silent with work picking up and my recent move. But, I am happy to announce that we are back on track. Our Holiday Happy Hour is Monday, December 21 at Rum Bar. Please join us! Several new people are attending, so it should be a fun crowd! We will also be talking about upcoming events and activities….and fundraising (I have been exploring a few possibilities).
Someone New
There is definitely something brewing. It’s sweet and gentle, yet rough around the edges. I will definitely write more about this once some boundaries are set and I figure a few things out. I will probably post more regularly about this under the privacy filter. Hit me up off-line for the password. It is unexpected to say the least, but the timing could not be more perfect. For now, let’s just say that I am really content!
….more to come! Happy Hump Day!
Creating Safe Space
Puzzle Pieces
Hey, everyone!
This has been a long time coming. I need to carve out a safe space where I can process relationship issues.
I have been extremely open about my journey as a mixed chick, finding my birth father and constructing a community I truly feel invested in and a part of. This is what The Diversity Project is about. I recently started musing about dating and sex – intimate things, and I need a place to reflect that isn’t open to the world at large.
To be blunt, The Ex doesn’t need to be reading this stuff. Some mutual acquaintances read TDP and I don’t fully trust that it won’t get back to her. I haven’t seen or talked to her since the rather ugly breakup and am not ready for interaction (if ever).
The password protected posts will be more personal and intimate. I am not ready to be this vulnerable with everyone without having some control over who has access. So, leave a comment in this thread if you want access. Be sure to leave a valid email address and a link to your blog, your myspace, your facebook, or some other way to verify that you are a real person.
Thanks to Sugarbutch for lending me the language!
So, I hope that you will bear with me. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I have put a lot of thought into this and have had several in-depth conversations with other bloggers I respect – thanks Sinclair @ Sugarbutch, Twanna @ Funky Brown Chick and several other blogging riends who choose to maintain somewhat private blogs. Your insight and guidance is invaluable.
In peace,
Kathrin
An Open Book, Sharing to Heal
This has been an unprecedented and most historic week. A new day has truly come, bringing with it a tremendous amount of responsibility for our new President-Elect, as well as for every single American. Each of us has a responsibility to engage in our communities. We no longer have any valid excuse to complain and watch the world pass us by (not that we really had an excuse before).While Barack Obama will in 74 73 days become the President of the United States and have the authority and capacity to enact change from above, teach and every one of us has the opportunity to enact change within our own lives. The one thing I have learned through this election is that grass roots is where sustainable change really occurs.
Lately, I have spent more time than usual talking politics on this blog I do not view The Diversity Projekt as a fundamentally political blog, at least not directly. I clearly make a political statement with my chosen subject matter and the ways in which I articulate my position, but I would not consider myself a pundit or political commentator. Not in the least.
Nevertheless, I speak about my life, about my experiences and the world around me. In doing so, I am often far more transparent than I should be. I often struggle with how much or how little to share, particularly when it comes to personal and intimate issues. In those instances where I have chosen to redact myself, I ultimately felt like I was editing myself and my experiences away.
One of the issues I have been extremely open about is my recent family reunion with my birth father. Someone recently asked how I could be so open about a topic that is so intimate, how I could experience it in public view. Others have suggested that I not be so public about everything. After a recent incident, I considered being more private about this recent journey. However, after much thought, I came to the conclusion that I would be doing myself and others an injustice.
My life up to this point has significantly influenced why I am publicly documenting my experiences. Looking back, I wish I had documented several earlier events – political and cultural awakening as an AfroGerman and the events leading up to the decision to actively search for my birth father. I have since sketched several aspects of the beginnings of this journey.
I document this journey as much for myself as I do for others who might find themselves along a similar journey. I did not have a road map growing up. Nor did I have anyone to lean on who understood the things I was experiencing or feeling. I did not have any role models who reflected my duality. I often felt like a one person freak show.
Even today, I struggle considerably with coming to terms and being comfortable with my biracial and multi-ethnic identity. I am not entirely comfortable with the color of my skin or my curly hair. I feel equally estranged and rejected from my white and black heritage. Feeling content with living within the margins is something I have yet to achieve.
I hope this blog helps someone, even if that someone is me.
Name Calling and Goals
There is nothing better than sharing a bottle of earthy, Chilean red and a decadent selection of palatable, European cheeses with a friend. That is, until my friend calls me a name. I could not trust my ears, so I compelled her to repeat her surprising claim. “How’s the life of a writer?” she said with a hint of amusement at my unease.Me? A writer? I imagine writers as being clever and witty with their words. I can pull off clever, but witty is a stretch. I dismissed her claim as absurd and silly. She insisted. We moved on.
I took a detour through a nearby park on my way home. Driving clears my mind. It always has. I considered all of the things I have written over the last year or so. Perhaps I am a writer (in training). While I don’t see myself as a writer, I do enjoy the process of writing.
So, after much prodding, I decided to embark on a journey otherwise known as National Novel Writing Month. The goal: 50,000 words in 30 days! I will start writing on November 8, although it officially launches on November 1.
While I have amassed several short stories loosely based on my early childhood, I want to take this opportunity to work on a larger piece directly delving into my upbringing in Germany. I find myself constantly negotiating my identity as a Black German, as a woman, as a lesbian. My childhood experiences profoundly influence the person I am today. My teen years consist of a web of ill-fated decisions driven by a desperate need to fit in - quest for consciousness and community. Yet, as time passes, my memory of that time becomes increasingly nebulous. I want to put things down before my recollections are too clouded by time and space.
So, there ya go – I am publicly announcing my goal.
Reunion Woes
I am not sure if the reunion process with my birth father is going very well. We have spoken a few times since locating him. He was extremely excited when we first spoke. However, since then I have rarely heard from him. We have had three other phone conversations and have exchanged two emails, but he has not called me in weeks. I have initiated every telephone conversation at this point. I have also sent a few emails but have not received anything in return.
I told myself going into this, that I would not have high expectations. Clearly, I did have some sort of expectations especially after hearing his enthusiasm during our first call. I swing back and forth between sadness and anger. I want to know him and I want him to want to know me, but I refuse to beg for it.
I never felt abandoned or rejected as a child. I received nothing but unconditional love from my immediate and extended family. I did not know that my birth father had left my mother and me until I was 13 years old. It was somewhat too late to feel abandoned or rejected at that point, especially after having a relatively solid and stable childhood. I cannot help but feel a bit vulnerable and afraid that he really does not want to get to know me now, that perhaps he was caught up in the moment during our initial call.
I am feeling just a little bit rejected and sad right now.
Transition and Evolution
After several conversation with bloggers I admire and have tremendous respect for, I have decided to merge Seeking the Cranberry and The Diversity Projekt. The content often overlaps and more times than not find myself debating where a post should go. Merging them seems like the next logical progression as I continue to develop my brand and content. Nevertheless, I am a bit saddened with the prospect of letting Seeking the Cranberry go.
Although I created it several years after starting my first blog on the LiveJournal network, and it’s life span was relatively short compared to my first blog, I am quite attached to it. I am most attached to the meaning behind the title – a cranberry is small and unexpectedly tart, yet has such potential in its various incarnations.
My target date for the transition is November 15.
In the meantime, I will be increasing my posting frequency here, while keeping my posts on Seeking the Cranberry to comprehensive exam related material.
I have a new logo that I am excited about unveiling. There are also several collaborations in the works. Expect some announcements within the next few weeks!
Thank you for coming on this journey with me!
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