The Diversity Projekt
Empowerment for All People of Color
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Lessons Learned…or something like that!
One of my favorite movies is The Holiday! It has all of the ingredients that makes for a good Hollywood love story, especially a holiday love story. You have the Playboy (Jude Law), the Goofball (Jack Black), the Heartbroken Girl Next Door (Kate Winslet), and the Beautiful Success Producer (Cameron Diaz). Two women, jilted by love in their own unique way, trade homes for the Holidays, only to find love half way around the world.
Of course there was the happy ending, but not until after the conflict. What is the conflict, you ask? Well, that’s complicated. You have a dash of unrequited love and testosterone inspired head games, but in the end the biggest hurdle is the distance, at least for the Playboy and the Producer. The Playboy lives outside of London with his two girls (his wife died a few years ago) and the Producer lives in LA. Neither of them travel to each other’s city. They are at an empass. Although the movie has an extremely happy, mushy ending, you never learn how they deal with their distance.When I first saw that movie I said to myself “I will never ever date someone long distance.” It had always been my line in the sand relationship wise. The only reason I even considered dating Dawn was because had applied to Rice before we got together. I would have been in Houston anyway. However, when I decided on Villanova, I ended things with her. I wasn’t negotiating. Little did I know that I would meet someone who captured my heart and turn my world upside down to such an extent that I would rethink my position on long distance. I actually never gave the distance a thought. I knew from the first conversation that the distance was temporary. I didn’t know who would move or when or how, but I knew that we would work through it.
Nevertheless, I have had to learn to process a whole host of emotions unique to long distance relationships, or maybe they are just unique to me. I have never missed anyone before, at least not someone I have dated. I am learning how to balance missing the Medic while not coming off to needy. I am not sure how much I succeed at this, but it is a work in progress. I have learned to listen more and talk less. Yes, this is a challenge for me in general, but long distance requires a while different set of communication skills that I didn’t really posses in the past.
Patience. I am not a patient person. I gave up working on that years ago. Instant gratification is highly under rated (kinda like nap time). The last 20 days have been challenging. I know people have been doing long distance for years, see each other once every month or two. I am pretty aware of what I can and can’t do and, that would be right at the top of my list. Ok, so back to my point – 20 days is way too long to not see the Medic. So, we are working on an every other weekend kind of deal. The Medic’s schedule is far more flexible than mine, but I am working things out. I may be able to work remotely on more occasions. I am still trying to figure that one out. I know that I am not a patient person but I am extremely intentional about what this transition means for the Medic. Cryptic, right?!
Vulnerability. I sometimes find myself completely incapable of communicating how I feel. What’s at the heart of this? Feeling vulnerable – I’m not good at it. Well, that isn’t completely true. I am better at certain aspects than others. While I can allow myself to be physically vulnerable with the Medic, being emotionally vulnerable is a whole other issue. I was mortified when I burst into tears in front of her during a visit to the Tundra. Perhaps that is the German part of me. All the messy stuff is to be kept behind closed doors – the crying, the self-doubt, the chaos. I am not saying that I am stone cold or that I don’t allow for the bringing down of walls. I share many of my layers with the Medic, but it has been a process. I’ve let down a lot of walls. I am not sure if it would have been so natural to do so if we had been living in the same city from the beginning. I think that I would have probably asked for more space. Not that I am totally sold on won over to the idea of long distance, but there are some benefits. Like the extent to which you get to know someone, beyond the surface. You have to cut through all of that, all the niceties and reach to the core of a person. Otherwise I think you would lose interest fast if things remain shallow.
I feel like I am completely off from where I set out to take this post. I am not sure if I have an actual point. I started it when I was having a moment. I hit my threshold of how long I could be separated from the Medic. I didn’t want to seem too needy, so I began to write. I hate being or seeming needy. Or is it admitting that I need her? I’ve never really felt like I needed someone in my life. Is there really a difference? All I can say is that I am working on it.
Square Peg, Round Hole
I have been that girl before! Everyone knows her or has been her before. You know, the one who gets into a relationship and disappears into a vacuum, into the new relationship black hole. I knew it was unhealthy each and every time. I knew that things would end badly (even though things often ended for very different reasons but the disappearing act contributed to the dissolution), but I made the choice anyway. I probably owe some amends, as none of my friends deserved to be treated like that – good enough to hang out with when I was single but expendable when I was coupled. That’s definitely not the message I wanted to send, yet its what I did over and over again.
I always felt – subconsciously – that I was compensating for something that was lacking in the relationship. There wasn’t enough or right form of communication, or honesty, or depth of understanding, or laughter…the list goes on and on. So, if there wasn’t enough of all those things, then we were going to spend every waking, non working moment together. Perhaps my past partners also sensed something was missing as their choice was often quantity over quality time as well. The controlling and abusive relationship not withstanding – most of my relationships were of this sort. While I was always non-committal at first, each one built into entities with little substance despite the amount of ‘together time’. Nevertheless, I often made the choice to invest time in a relationship that was never going to work. I knew it was never going to work, yet giving up just didn’t seem like a viable option. It’s like forcing a square peg into a round hole…..just not going to happen! Someone’s going to break something!
I’ve come to realize that it isn’t a matter of giving up or not. Rather, it has everything to do with being in a relationship that is mutually fulfilling, balanced and thereby healthy. Relationships, while requiring investment from both parties, really shouldn’t always be hard or require painstaking effort to make it feel right. In hind sight, I’d argue that if it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Yeah, 20/20 is a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Thankfully I learned this long before the Medic came into the picture.
Speaking of the Medic – one of the things I cherish about our time together is our sense of balance. We almost spend as much time with friends and doing every-day things as we steal private time to just enjoy each other. Nothing is forced or…ok, sometimes getting out of bed requires an extensive amount of motivation, but nothing about us is forced. It just works – we fit. The logistical dysfunction – distance – has helped (or forced us, depending on how you see it) us focus on quality over quantity.
I must admit though that no matter how much I embrace the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing, I know that I am not wired for long distance relationships. Yet, trusting her (and myself), the dimensions of communication we have developed and the temporariness of it all keep me from wigging. Oh, and have I mentioned that I am ridiculously in love with her? Yeah…
Young Voices of Philadelphia: Lessons from a Young Non Profit Leader
Young Voices of Philadelphia is a new segment that I am unveiling today. This is a forum in which young non profit movers and shakers in the Philadelphia area will share a little about themselves, about their organizations and initiatives, and how they view their role in changing Philadelphia for the better.
Alexis and I met at Temple University, in a Poli Sci course if memory serves me well. What initially struck me was her extremely fresh and progressive ideas about how she saw the world and plans on being part of a solution. While we have since trickled in and out of each other’s lives, we have remained connected through our commitment to the Philadelphia community. Check Alexis out on Facebook.
All the things I wish someone had told me before
by Alexis JeffcoatI procrastinated about this blog post all weekend. Of course, I had plenty of time to do it and I even knew what I wanted to talk about. Yet, time just seemed to slip away (at this point it should be clear why I can’t maintain a blog of my own…). I am a procrastinator by nature but I’ve also been a bit distracted lately.
You see, I am back on the job prowl.
Yes, this young, non-profit professional is diving into a job search (of course just as we are embroiled in an economic downturn) and that has given me pause to reflect. What exactly have I learned and what would be worth passing on to other people? I’ve working in non-profit since I graduated college and I feel as if I am just now wrapping my head around some very important lessons. So, for all of you new graduates out there, here are some of things I wish someone would have told me.
1. Don’t let people put you into positions you’re not ready for. This happens all the time in the non-profit world. The awesome thing about this industry is that you can get in on an entry-level job and really get your hands dirty. You won’t be stuck as the “copy b*&*h” or “coffee runner”, you’ll actually get to do some substantial, meaningful work. The problem is that most non-profits are under-staffed and underfunded. They do wonderful work but they don’t have the infrastructure to support it. As a result, they often end up giving one person the job of two or three different people. It can be tempting to see this as an opportunity to gain some major kudos and beef up your resume. It’s not. Trust me. I was completely in love with non-profit positions that seemed like a great challenge (you know the ones I’m talking about, the responsibilities list is 45 items long, they want you to fundraise a portion of your salary, etc. etc.). You will spend so much time reacting and managing crisis that you won’t be able to develop any actual skills. You want to find somewhere that strikes a balance. You don’t want your first job to be managing a program or directing fundraising activities right out of college. That trial by fire crap is overrated. Find a position that gives you some responsibility and autonomy but also an opportunity to learn the ins and outs of the profession. That way, you’re gaining valuable experience but you’re not attempting to hold up the whole world by yourself.
2. People are going to say you’re not a real professional. Those people are full of crap. There is this persisting image of non-profits as places where you do yoga in the lobby, everyone wears Birkenstocks and no one eats meat. While there are definitely places where this happens, don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have a real job. The truth is people who work at most non-profits put in the kind of hours only lawyers and doctors see and they do it for a lot less pay. You have to be extremely resilient, creative, resourceful and organized to thrive in this field. Those same people who help make sure animals have good homes and do other ” cute” things also fundraise millions of dollars, manage budgets and multiple projects, do marketing and pr and convince people to give up their time for free. That is no easy task and it is definitely professional.
3. You can’t save the world. This was the hardest lesson. You are going to get up every day and do amazing work and help people and it still won’t be enough. You won’t eradicate poverty. You won’t eliminate hunger. And sometimes, the people you are trying to help will resent you for it. You can’t save the world and that is a good thing because if all it took was one person working for the right non-profit or raising enough money and we still have poverty in 2008 then the world is bigger mess than we thought. I’m not saying you’re not doing awesome things. I’m not saying you won’t help some people. I’m saying you won’t save the world so don’t put pressure on yourself to do so.
4. If you’re burnt out, get out. Take a vacation, find a new job, take a leave of absence and then restructure your job. If you are burnt out, the party is over. The unfortunate thing about the industry is that many non-profits are not equipped to prevent or treat burnout. Whether it’s because you have too much work and not enough support or because you just can’t help everyone who walks through the door, once burnout hits it can be an earth shattering experience. Believe me. I’ve had it so bad that there were days I literally could not get out of bed to face the world. It’s okay. It happens more than it should and one day, non-profits will be better equipped to deal with it. But I’m telling you now (because I like you), if you’re burnt out you have to run like you are on fire. If you don’t make a substantial change, you will end up leaving anyway. So make sure that the second you are burnt out, you sit down and talk to your boss. Don’t feel guilty (my God, are we non-profit people good at that!), just talk. And then make sure you have the power to make adjustments to whatever is causing your burnout. If you don’t, its time to leave. Not because you are a bad person but because you’re all you have.
I guess that’s all I can think of for now. Its 11pm and I hope that I managed to give you some things to think about. For all of you out there who have been in it for awhile, what magic things have you learned?
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