The Diversity Projekt
Empowerment for All People of Color
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Really, it is that scary!
Welcome to Kathrin’s somewhat bumpy trip down memory lane of traumatic needle episodes!
Trypanophobia – an irrational and often intense fear of hypodermic needles or injections – though it is often incorrectly called belonephobia, a name which simply denotes fear of pins or needles, without referring to the medical aspects.
Blood, sweat and tears….literally! Being within 50 feet of a needle puts me into a panic. Just thinking about them sends my pulse through the roof.
The back story is quite complicated, made murky as I only remember bits and pieces, so bear with me. I think much of it stems back to when I was 8 or 9 years old. My dad and I used to go to this military clinic in Germany every couple of months for testing. I don’t remember specifically why I was having the tests done, but it had something to do with my bone structure. The reason really isn’t pertinent to the story. Every time was traumatic, but the very last appointment took the cake. I remember the lab tech continually missing my vein. I remember my dad getting angry. I remember being hysterical. I remember my dad yelling. I remember the look on the lab techs face. I remember leaving. And…that’s all she wrote! Since then I have had major issues with needles. Ok, well…full stop! I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 6 or 7 and wanting to go home with the IV still in my hand. It was a huge to do for them to touch by hand. Full blown fit ensued!
My phobia grew from there. Most doctors and dentists that I have encountered since then have been patronizing, condescending and quite impatient with me. Some of them told me to suck it up, to act my age even. None of that has been extremely helpful in managing my phobia let alone helping me move beyond it.
Several years ago I thought about addressing this issue in therapy. I initially started therapy because of The Ex. Talking to someone helped me begin to see how damaging that relationship was and ultimately helped me cope (and not react) when she pulled her final power play. After several months it felt like I was moving on, so I decided to use my therapy time wisely. We had some initially discussions about my fear of needles. I remember the day I began to tell her the back story and her response….”this doesn’t make you a whip…it makes you a special needs patient.” Well…the walls went up and that was all she wrote! Being characterized a special needs patient felt worse than being considered a wimp…at least in my mind.
I ended up researching this phobia even after I stopped going to therapy. I am a combination of associative and resistive, save for the fact that I don’t have any violent responses to needles. Flight yes, fight no! I am not really sure what exactly I am afraid of. I am not afraid of pain per se (well we shall revisit this in another post). I can deal with immunizations and injections. I dealt with Depo several yrs ago to regulate my cycle. I can even psych myself up for the dentist. However, IVS and giving blood…hot mess!
I finally got up the nerve to schedule my annual exam WITH labs. A lot of recent discussions motivates me to finally take that step. I rarely ever avoid my annual check up, but the lab component has always been more complicated. So, I did the bravest thing I knew how….I scheduled it for when the Medic is in town. I already thought about what excuse I could come up with to get out of it. I know the Medic won’t let me, but still….the thought crossed my mind! How the hell do I get out of this?!
So here is the question – do I want her to hold my hand or if possible, do I want her to do it? I have no relationship or track record with a lab tech at my doctors office (since I haven’t had blood work done in four years…maybe more), so that is going to make me nervous. So, who I trust more is a given. However, if she is doing it, then she can’t hold my hand. Yeah the rational part of me thinks this thought process is absolutely absurd!
Thoughs?
Breaking through..
TDP has been quiet for a while, but I am definitely back. I’ve been battling some writer’s block. Work has been incredibly busy. Salsa is also taking up a good portion of my time, especially now that I am committed to the Spring 2010 Showcase.
So, here is a little run down of where Kathrin has been and why TDP took a bit of a mini-vaca:
Work
I just celebrated my first year at NSC. We have accomplished a lot in that first year. Nevertheless, many things have still been left undone and year two will be packed with new fundraising, outreach and advocacy initiatives. Some exciting things are in the works and I will be sure to share them with you as soon as they are cleared for release.
Simple Living
I moved out of my old apartment in NE Philadelphia and now call Center City Philadelphia home. I sold a lot of my furniture in the process and sorted through dozens of boxes of belongings. The purge was liberating – truly! It’s amazing how much free time I have now – no more 2+hours of daily commute time. My commute these days is 15 minutes door to door.
Healthy Living
I finally have my act together health living wise. Since starting salsa I have shed almost 50lbs (since starting weight watchers about 40lbs). I have tons more energy and just feel better all the way around. Everyone says they can see it in my face. I shall take their word for it, because I can’t tell.
Salsa
I have been taking salsa classes at Estilo Dance Studio for several months now and am completely hooked. I am finally at that point where I can let go enough to feel the music versus just focusing on the steps. I am officially committed to performance class. We are really getting into the choreography, and I am shocked that we are only 23 seconds into a 3 minute routine. I am up for the challenge though. This is going to be kick ass!
Family
My dad comes home in 5 days. He has been stationed abroad for 2 years. Time did not go by as fast as I wanted it to, but the important thing is that he is home. I will be spending 4 days with my family in Florida. It’s good to have the entire family together again for Christmas. Last year felt all wrong! I will be sure to post lots of photos and even some video clips. My camera and Flip will be coming with me…..along with my laptop of course. I don’t expect to be on too much, but will update periodically.
My sister joined the Army a few weeks ago. It’s a great move for her. She is at her unit today getting fitted for her uniform. She leaves for basic training in March, followed immediately by specialized training – paramedic - and won’t be home until sometime in September. My mom gets the sense that she will petition to go active once everything is said and done. This raises the likelihood of her deployment, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
SwirlPhilly
SwirlPhilly has been a bit silent with work picking up and my recent move. But, I am happy to announce that we are back on track. Our Holiday Happy Hour is Monday, December 21 at Rum Bar. Please join us! Several new people are attending, so it should be a fun crowd! We will also be talking about upcoming events and activities….and fundraising (I have been exploring a few possibilities).
Someone New
There is definitely something brewing. It’s sweet and gentle, yet rough around the edges. I will definitely write more about this once some boundaries are set and I figure a few things out. I will probably post more regularly about this under the privacy filter. Hit me up off-line for the password. It is unexpected to say the least, but the timing could not be more perfect. For now, let’s just say that I am really content!
….more to come! Happy Hump Day!
New Chapter for New Beginnings
A passionate advocate, a “pesky” reporter and a few blog posts, and the Bensalem Township School Board decided to “reconsider” it’s ruling to cut the New Beginnings Program at Bensalem High School. The trade off – 700 service hours in the upcoming fiscal year instead of 1000.
I learned something new today about Patti’s program. Not only are these young parents graduating from high school at phenomenal rates, but many go on to lead incredible lives. Two of her former students addressed the Board tonight – one is graduating community college and will soon enroll in a nursing program, and the other is currently working at Jefferson.
Well done! Thank you for your comments (on and off site) and your prayers!
The School Board will most likely need to re-address funding issues surrounding New Beginnings sometime during the new fiscal year. Seeking alternative funding streams is most likely going to be a necessity, since the long-term repercussions of tonight’s cut in capacity will not go unnoticed by the community in need of these services.
ACTION ITEM! Please keep your eyes open for private (or government) grants that will fund direct services and/or advocacy for teen pregnancy/parenting.
On a side note – tonight was the first time in years that I really felt a part of a community. Perhaps it was the mission-orientedness of it all. My hunch, it was the people. Several Wellians came out in solidarity and support of Patti and her kids. Some of us went to Rita’s afterwards to celebrate. Yeah, Evan – I finally had Rita’s after more than 7 years.
My Hero….and my munchkin!
So, as many of you know, my dad was home on leave a week or so ago! He is currently stationed in German. He initially retired from the U.S. Army in the early 90s and has since been working for the federal government. He re-upped a little over a year ago and has been stationed in Germany ever since. We returned stateside for training and had a little over a week leave. I spent a long weekend with the family in Jax (Florida).
Here are a few pictures taken while he was on leave:
Christina is definitely Opa's girl!
A few with the munchkin! My dad still looks good in uniform! Although I did not completely understand his reasoning for returning to the military, I sure am proud of him. My dad is the best person I know!
Christina continues to grow – far too quickly! She is an amazing little kid. She actually said “Love you, Kakrin” today! Close enough, right?!
She is absolutely fearless! I hope that doesn't change any time soon!
And, she is definitely my sister's kid! She loves playing in dirt!
This kid cracks me up!
Unusual Silence
I usually call it like I see it. If I think something is incorrect, I say so. If I think someone is acting like a bigot, I let them know. Very rarely do I remain silent when I think something is off.
Yet, this is exactly what I did this past holiday. My reasoning is quite understandable (at least from my perspective), yet it still does not sit right with me. I chose politeness and “etiquette” over my principles, and I feel crappy about it.
I spent the Christmas holidays with my sister and her friends. They are nice people and were a vital support system for my sister when her relationship with Christina’s father crumbled. Yet, these people are straight up rednecks – pick up truck driving, wrangler jeans wearing, confederate flag flying Rednecks!
I have a hard time biting my tongue. I slipped once or twice, especially when it came to baby daddy. Yet, I am quite surprised that I didn’t flip on a few occasions. God knows I had every right to. I didn’t bother to tell my mother, as I knew what her response would be – I am overreacting, I am being ridiculous, I am being too sensitive.
I felt quite uncomfortable with Old Glory all around me – blankets, mini-flags and screen savers. It was all just a bit too much for this mixedchick. I don’t even know if they realize that I am a mixedchick. Surely they had no clue that I am queer.
While I am disturbed by the circus that was Christmas, I am more appalled by my silence. I felt too uncomfortable to say anything and I felt too trapped to be able to remove myself from the situation. I did have a brief reprieve when I met my Swirlie sister and her family for brunch on Friday.
I should have said something to my sister (at least in private). Letting her assume everything was fine may not have been the most honest approach. Yet, you live, you learn, and you move on!
“Family” Woes – Disappointed
I haven’t heard from my bio-father since the day after Thanksgiving. I haven’t heard from my bio-brother since the day before that. I’ve left two voice mail messages, but I am not going to keep calling. I am not even sure what to think about this.
I am disappointed and a bit hurt. I somewhat regret venturing down this path. To some degree it is easier not knowing the whereabouts of birth-family. It is surely easier than sensing lack luster interest from said birth-family after locating them.
I think my bio-father might be a bit upset that I did not meet with him over Thanksgiving weekend. Our plans changed and I thought it was for the best. It’s complicated. Yet, I get the sense that he isn’t taking it well. Actually, I am not sure how he is taking it, since I haven’t spoken to him in over two weeks. Can you tell that I am upset?
I know that it sounds cheesy, but I seriously question whether blood is thicker than water. Actually, I know it isn’t. Shared DNA doesn’t necessarily suggest the existence or possibility for f meaningful connections.
My bio-brother sent me a serious of odd texts last night. I think our life experiences are so vastly different, that relating is a struggle. This yet again confirms that environment is so much more influential than the genes we inherit.
I am probably placing too much pressure on this “reunion” but it is turning out nothing like I imagined it would.
….and the uncertainty continues.
Rescue Mission and Puppy Love
I know that this is a bit off-message, but several people recently asked me about my little man, Samson.
I recently returned from 7 days with the family in Florida. My first stop – picking up the puppy from the kennel. He loves the kennel technicians and the opportunity to play with other dogs. I probably miss him more than he misses me. Yet, his tail was wagging as they brought him out to me.
I acquired Samson in March 2006 at the tender age of 5 months (rough estimate from the vet at the time). When I say acquired I actually mean that I permanently borrowed him from my neighbors who were abusing him. I was still living in the badlands near Bridge and Pratt (Frankford Terminal, Philadelphia, PA). My neighbors moved in just a few months prior – woman with quite a few children, her father with an ankle monitoring devise, and more than half a dozen early 20something guys living on the third floor.
I decided to play hooky from work one morning. My plan was to catch up on sleep. But, you know what they say about best laid plans. Things never turn out the way you plan then.I woke up at 6am to a dog yelping and was unable to fall back asleep. I finally got dressed to investigate. As I walked out my back door, I found this small, terrified puppy tied to the back wall of my neighbors house. He had no food or water and was shivering. I knocked on my neighbors door, but received no answer.
My partner came downstairs (now ex) to give him some food and water. We eventually called the police. When the officer arrived he informed us that if the puppy is taken into custody he would most likely be put to sleep. He was a dog lover – had a pibble breed of his own. He told us that while we were not legally able to take him, he would look the other way.
So, we acquired him, took him to the vet for a checkup and adopted him into our family. It felt like a covert operation, as we snuck him in and out of the house for the first 90 days. I stopped worrying once he was altered and chipped.He clearly had the signs of abuse. He was malnourished and had bite marks on his torso. Nevertheless, he became extremely affectionate fairly quickly. He put on weight and is the king of the castle – well, at least my home. He runs the ship. I merely write the checks.
Now, more than two years later, he is my cuddle love bucket. He is healthy and full of energy. He constantly keeps me on my toes. He loves pestering my cat. The scabbes on his nose are proof of the cat’s returned love gesture. He gives off the best nap vibes and is an efficient feet warmer. He loves pizza crust and beer.
Reunion Postponed – It’s Complicated
I was supposed to meet my biological father this weekend. We planned on meeting for lunch and I was fairly excited (and nervous) about the entire prospect. Then, logistics and several other unexpected factors got in the way. I clearly didn’t plan all this out as well as I should have. So, I just sent him an email about the changes. I hope he understands.I do really want to meet him and get to know him, but I think in general things went a bit too fast. I never thought that it would only take me 3 days to locate him. I thought it would take weeks. However, when the BGCS search consultant contacted me I was in shock. And now, two months later, I have this entire family that seems excited to meet and get to know me. I am overwhelmed to say the least.
I am actually relieved that I have a bit more time to process everything before I meet my birth father. I hope to fly down to Florida for Martin Luther King, Jr. Weekend. I may rent a car and drive down to Daytona beach that weekend, that is, if he still wants to meet me. The next time I am home after that will be to spend time with my dad. He will be home from German for a few weeks. I think he is taking some leave after participating in an extended training course of some sort. Mom and Dad are flying me home for a few days. I haven’t seen my dad since last Christmas, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible. It will be another year and a few months before he is home for good.
I am a bit worried about my birth father’s response to the change in plans. He seemed really excited to meet me this weekend. I hope he does not think that I do not want to meet him. That is the furthest from the truth. I am quite nervous about the meeting and I have second guessed the speed at which everything is unfolding. I wonder if the change in logistics is a sign to take a moment to process everything through before leaping.
I am most overwhelmed because there are so many questions that are still unanswered. The gaps in the story of what happened 28 years ago are so numerous that I am second-guessing everything. I am too mistrusting by nature and this situation is magnifying that tenfold.
I also worry about how this is affecting my my parents. My mom is worried about how I will react to meeting him. I gather that my dad is worried about my safety (just a gut feeling). I think he is also worried that my birth father will show up on my mom’s doorstep. I think that everything would be less complicated if my dad were stateside right now.
Rome was not built overnight and this is going to take some time to sort out. I just wish it werent’ so complicated and confusing.
Hitting Home – Separation for Military Families during this Holiday Season
I woke up this morning missing my dad desperately. Although we rarely see each other more than 2-3 times in a given year, I always had the ability to pick up the phone to talk to him. I value his opinion above all others, and often confer with him before making any big decision. His laptop is currently out of commission for repairs (they made him ship it back to the US from Germany and it could take up to 8 weeks for him to get it back), so I can’t even ring him on Skype. He surprised me with a call this afternoon though. We talked for about 30 minutes, but that was not nearly enough. We used to Skype every day, but are currently reduced to email or a phone call once or twice a week.
My dad is the best human being I know. I am sure that it sounds cheesy, but he is my hero and the rock of our family. Life just does not seem to run the way it should with him so far away. My dad served his country for 18 years. Upon retiring from the US Army in the mid 90’s, he chose to continue to serve as a civil servant. Now he is back in uniform and serving abroad.
I have been trying to not think about Thanksgiving too much. I can count on one hand the number of Thanksgivings our family spent apart. Although last year’s Thanksgiving holiday was a bit odd, we were together for most of the weekend. Now, as Thanksgiving is less than a week away, my heart is very heavy. While my mother, my sister, Christina (the baby) and I will be together for the holiday, I am extremely sad that my dad is going to be alone. He probably has the opportunity to share Thanksgiving with the other service men and women on base.
If you are spending this Thanksgiving with your family, make sure to hold them tight and do not forget to tell them how much you love them. In our current environment of 2 and 3 tour deployments, many service
men and women will be separated from their families during this holiday
season. If you have the opportunity to send a Thanksgiving Greeting to our Troops stationed stateside or abroad, please take the time to do so.American Red Cross Website – send eCards and donate cell phones and care packages Deadline Dec 10
MyStudio – create and upload Thanksgiving and Christmas video message for US Troops
Let me know if there are any sites that I should add to this list. I know that Best Buy and Circuit City both had campaigns last year where you could record video messages in stores across the country. It seems that they are not hosting the program during this holiday season.
An Open Book, Sharing to Heal
This has been an unprecedented and most historic week. A new day has truly come, bringing with it a tremendous amount of responsibility for our new President-Elect, as well as for every single American. Each of us has a responsibility to engage in our communities. We no longer have any valid excuse to complain and watch the world pass us by (not that we really had an excuse before).While Barack Obama will in 74 73 days become the President of the United States and have the authority and capacity to enact change from above, teach and every one of us has the opportunity to enact change within our own lives. The one thing I have learned through this election is that grass roots is where sustainable change really occurs.
Lately, I have spent more time than usual talking politics on this blog I do not view The Diversity Projekt as a fundamentally political blog, at least not directly. I clearly make a political statement with my chosen subject matter and the ways in which I articulate my position, but I would not consider myself a pundit or political commentator. Not in the least.
Nevertheless, I speak about my life, about my experiences and the world around me. In doing so, I am often far more transparent than I should be. I often struggle with how much or how little to share, particularly when it comes to personal and intimate issues. In those instances where I have chosen to redact myself, I ultimately felt like I was editing myself and my experiences away.
One of the issues I have been extremely open about is my recent family reunion with my birth father. Someone recently asked how I could be so open about a topic that is so intimate, how I could experience it in public view. Others have suggested that I not be so public about everything. After a recent incident, I considered being more private about this recent journey. However, after much thought, I came to the conclusion that I would be doing myself and others an injustice.
My life up to this point has significantly influenced why I am publicly documenting my experiences. Looking back, I wish I had documented several earlier events – political and cultural awakening as an AfroGerman and the events leading up to the decision to actively search for my birth father. I have since sketched several aspects of the beginnings of this journey.
I document this journey as much for myself as I do for others who might find themselves along a similar journey. I did not have a road map growing up. Nor did I have anyone to lean on who understood the things I was experiencing or feeling. I did not have any role models who reflected my duality. I often felt like a one person freak show.
Even today, I struggle considerably with coming to terms and being comfortable with my biracial and multi-ethnic identity. I am not entirely comfortable with the color of my skin or my curly hair. I feel equally estranged and rejected from my white and black heritage. Feeling content with living within the margins is something I have yet to achieve.
I hope this blog helps someone, even if that someone is me.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License
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