The Diversity Projekt
Empowerment for All People of Color
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Intentions and Dimensions of Belonging
Anyone who has been around TDP for a while, knows that I struggle a lot with finding a real, meaningful sense of community. I don’t always feel like I belong. I’ve always felt not quite a part of, floating on the margins. I am transnational – German and American. I am a military kid. These things complicate how the world seems me and how I perceive that I fit into the world. My family is no exception to that. I look different than the rest of my family. They are white. I am not. Although we rarely if ever speak of the elephant in the room, there is no denying that. TDP’s recent crisis of identity has a lot to do with my not wanting to hurt my family, nor do I want to alienate them through my words. Nevertheless, I can only speak to my experiences growing up and how they have and continue to impact my quest for self. Their perceptions of certain events often differ from mine. That doesn’t make either of our experiences more or less valid. I think sometimes parents don’t want to see certain things and I think children often process events and experiences differently. The lenses through which we view the world are often very different.How I see myself within my own family is no exception. Aesthetics are the most obvious. I knew that I didn’t look like my parents or sister from a young age. The elephant in the room was glaring to everyone including my family, but no one really talked about it more than one or two times. This had a profound impact on my identify formation, my sense of self. For good or bad, I have grown comfortable living in-between various worlds. While I share many of the same values as my family, an ideological divide has grown over the years. I am queer and left leaning (hell, I am almost horizontal). We have different ideas about fairness, justice, race, class, gender,…..privilege. My mother often dismisses my positions by making some sort of generation/age statement….as if my almost 30 years on the planet haven’t given me the right to form equally valued opinions about the world around me. Again….different does not equate to of more or lesser value.
My bi-cultural, transnational identity is probably the most complicated and murky of my interlocking identities. Depending on which site of the ocean I am standing on (or with whom I am speaking), I am either too German or too American. The notion that both can co-exist equally at the same time seems unfathomable to some, even to me at times. I often feel myself pressured to choose, or even more painful, having to defend one or the other. I am equally protective and defensive (and apologetic) about both. Perhaps it wasn’t just me that was different, but my entire family. I always felt that it was much easier for my sister to fit into both worlds, despite her linguistic barrier. People are less likely to challenge her German-ness. Clearly I don’t fit the image of a stereotypical German. It has taken me a long time to begin to come to terms with my mixed-race identity. It’s something I struggle with today.
It is disappointing that while I feel a part of several communities that are dear to me, I am most affected by the communities (and people) who have rejected me. I am not sure if my bio-father disappearing constitutes his rejecting me. I am not exactly sure what happened back then. Nevertheless, his current behavior definitely feels like rejection. How can you know that your child is out there (and know how how to find her), yet make absolutely no effort to connect? How can you have more regard for the children of the women you date than for those you have a biological connection to? Can you sense my anger? I realize that DNA isn’t enough to build a true foundation on, but it should be enough for some kind of meaningful contact…..a card maybe?! I hate to admit it but, he has caused more upheaval and trauma in my life over the last 2 years than in the previous 28.
I don’t really believe in new years resolutions. Every new day is an opportunity for re-birth and change. Nevertheless, as I am turning 30 this year, I did set a few goals for myself. Instead of focusing on where I feel like I don’t belong, I want to make more of an effort to accept the many ways I am valued and accepted in my life. Although it may not seem overtly obvious all the time, I am a part of several meaningful and vital communities. Although I am from the other side of the Atlantic, I feel very much apart of the Black German community here in America. I identify more with their alienation than the alienation of my cohorts in Germany. Although it is complicated, I am certainly more accepted here.
I feel extremely blessed to be part of the Swirl family. It’s one of the only communities in my life where I don’t feel pressure to identify or define myself. In fact, I am not sure if any of us have actually asked each other the million dollar question – “What are you?” It is such a relief to just be accepted, regardless of my “makeup”. I have the opportunity to help other mixed-folk feel good about their diversity – creating a community that I did not have growing up. I want mixed-kids to develop a positive self-image and feel proud of their mixed heritage.
As of late I also feel very strongly connected to “my” butch-femme community. I say “my” bf community because I am not sure if there is one bf community per se. It’s a community of my own choosing, woven together not necessarily by geography but by shared values, ethics and mutual respect and adoration. While I have been femme as long as I can remember, this community aspect of my life is new and I haven’t really wrapped my mind around it sufficiently. So stay tuned as there is definitely more to come on this. Nevertheless, I think it represents a powerful model for community formation. It’s intentional, organic, and profoundly life-altering. I can’t wake up tomorrow and choose not to be American or German. I am not saying that I want to stop being one or the other. That’s not the point that I am coming to. However, the expectations, pressures, stereotypes and preconceived notions that come along with those identities are not of my own making. It has taken me years to feel empowered as a mixed-chick. Mind you, I say mixed chick…..not as German or American. I find beauty and joy in my mixedness. It’s the only way I actually make sense, how the world makes sense to me. The journey through which I came to consciousness about my mixed identity was very intentional and organic. Hmm, perhaps that is what it is all about.
Latina? Who, me?
I was recently invited to speak at at a conference to discuss the ways in which I live and “navigate multiple, sometimes conflicting identities” – as queer, femme, mixed race, transnational, and how said identities influence how I see “life on the margins.” The interesting part….I was invited as the “Latina” on the panel. I needed that part repeated. Me, as the resident Latina.Growing up I thought that I was half German half African American. The Latin aspect only emerged recently when I found my birth father and began talking with his older brother and my half brother. I can’t say that I even have a Latina-consciousness or that I have even really contemplated what that means to me.
I comprehend my gender identity – femme – so much better than my ethnic/cultural identity. I understand it and feel it in every fiber of my being. Being femme is just….its me, my center. I feel profoundly liberated by my femme-ness, precisely because it feels natural and innate without needing to be juxtaposed against something else – butch comes to mind or anything else along the spectrum for that matter. Now, the butch/femme community and the greater LGBT community…that is a bigger can of worms. Nevertheless on a micro level I make complete sense to myself, and really, that’s all that matters. Now, I should back up and qualify that – I didn’t always feel that way. There was a time when I didn’t posses the vocabulary or understanding that described me - ok I am going to leave that train of thought for another day. I digress. Point is I make sense of some of my various identities – femme – and others not so much.
Culturally, I understand and can process being mixed. The individual components rarely ever make sense though. And, honestly…I rarely ever force them to. I know where I belong in the mixed experience. In many ways “home” is far less complicated within the mixed community than any of the other communities that I am a part of.
So, what does it mean for me to be Latina?
Half the time I think that I know very little about what it means to be African American. I do understand the mixed experience – the hybridity. Since ethnic identities are societal/social constructs, can I really claim to be something that I know nothing about? Can culture really be reduced to cuisine, music, and cultural and artistic traditions mixed with a little geographic positioning? If that’s the case, anyone can learn to be any ethnicity of their choosing. I think not! I do think that ethnicity is something that begins as a communal experience that finds expression in individual identity. Hmm….I think I just figured out what I am going to talk about…..
I still have a bit of time to consider since the conference is in November. Nevertheless, I should probably get back to the program committee by mid-February since paper/panel submissions are due March 3rd.
Breaking through..
TDP has been quiet for a while, but I am definitely back. I’ve been battling some writer’s block. Work has been incredibly busy. Salsa is also taking up a good portion of my time, especially now that I am committed to the Spring 2010 Showcase.
So, here is a little run down of where Kathrin has been and why TDP took a bit of a mini-vaca:
Work
I just celebrated my first year at NSC. We have accomplished a lot in that first year. Nevertheless, many things have still been left undone and year two will be packed with new fundraising, outreach and advocacy initiatives. Some exciting things are in the works and I will be sure to share them with you as soon as they are cleared for release.
Simple Living
I moved out of my old apartment in NE Philadelphia and now call Center City Philadelphia home. I sold a lot of my furniture in the process and sorted through dozens of boxes of belongings. The purge was liberating – truly! It’s amazing how much free time I have now – no more 2+hours of daily commute time. My commute these days is 15 minutes door to door.
Healthy Living
I finally have my act together health living wise. Since starting salsa I have shed almost 50lbs (since starting weight watchers about 40lbs). I have tons more energy and just feel better all the way around. Everyone says they can see it in my face. I shall take their word for it, because I can’t tell.
Salsa
I have been taking salsa classes at Estilo Dance Studio for several months now and am completely hooked. I am finally at that point where I can let go enough to feel the music versus just focusing on the steps. I am officially committed to performance class. We are really getting into the choreography, and I am shocked that we are only 23 seconds into a 3 minute routine. I am up for the challenge though. This is going to be kick ass!
Family
My dad comes home in 5 days. He has been stationed abroad for 2 years. Time did not go by as fast as I wanted it to, but the important thing is that he is home. I will be spending 4 days with my family in Florida. It’s good to have the entire family together again for Christmas. Last year felt all wrong! I will be sure to post lots of photos and even some video clips. My camera and Flip will be coming with me…..along with my laptop of course. I don’t expect to be on too much, but will update periodically.
My sister joined the Army a few weeks ago. It’s a great move for her. She is at her unit today getting fitted for her uniform. She leaves for basic training in March, followed immediately by specialized training – paramedic - and won’t be home until sometime in September. My mom gets the sense that she will petition to go active once everything is said and done. This raises the likelihood of her deployment, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
SwirlPhilly
SwirlPhilly has been a bit silent with work picking up and my recent move. But, I am happy to announce that we are back on track. Our Holiday Happy Hour is Monday, December 21 at Rum Bar. Please join us! Several new people are attending, so it should be a fun crowd! We will also be talking about upcoming events and activities….and fundraising (I have been exploring a few possibilities).
Someone New
There is definitely something brewing. It’s sweet and gentle, yet rough around the edges. I will definitely write more about this once some boundaries are set and I figure a few things out. I will probably post more regularly about this under the privacy filter. Hit me up off-line for the password. It is unexpected to say the least, but the timing could not be more perfect. For now, let’s just say that I am really content!
….more to come! Happy Hump Day!
Building Alliances, One Millenial at a Time
Today I would like to announce the launch of NonProfit Millenial Bloggers Alliance, a consortium of next generation leaders in the non profit world doing good for social change. I have participated in several consortium and working groups over the last decade. Some have been great and others not so much! This one is truly special! I was really excited when Alison Jones of Entry Level Living asked me to be a part of this new initiative. To be in the company of my peers, several of them colleagues, is quite amazing.
- Alison Jones, Entry Level Living, @ajlovesya
- Rosetta Thurman, Perspectives from the Pipeline, @rosettathurman
- James Elbaor, From the Desk of Jason Elbaor, @jameselbaor
- Elisa M. Ortiz, Onward and Upward, @emortiz
- Elizabeth Clawson, Nonprofit Periscope, @eclawson
- Trina Isakson, Trina’s Nonprofit Blog, @telleni
- Colleen Dilenschneider, Know Your Bone, @cdilly
- Tera Wozniak Qualls, Social Citizen, @terawozqualls
- Tracey Webb, Black Gives Back, @blkgivesback
- Kevin Gilnack, (Nonprofits + Politics)2.0, @kgilnack
I have followed many of them for quite some time and am am always learning new things from them. More than serving as a mere collective, I am interested to see how we forge partnerships, learn from each other and build capacity beyond our immediate group.
Be sure to add them to your google reader (or whatever blog bookmark that you are using)…and stay tuned!
Facing Deportation – Stand with Julio and Denis
I recently posted about the impending deportation of Julio Maldonado and Denis Calderon after being falsely prosecuted for defending themselves against a racially-motivated attack. I recently received the below email from Dave Bennion of Citizen Orange which he received from the families.Join me tomorrow at a community meeting and rally for Julio and Denis!
Date and Time: Sunday, October 4, 3:30 p.m.
Location: Houston Community Center, 2029 South 8th Street (8th & Snyder, South Philadelphia)I am emailing about the case of Julio Maldonado and Denis Calderon, two cousins from Peru who were attacked for racial reasons, wrongfully convicted in Philadelphia, and now stand on the brink of deportation from their U.S. citizen families. We will be holding a rally/community meeting one week from today to raise awareness about Julio and Denis’s case.
Julio finished his federal prison sentence on September 12. ICE attempted to deport him last week–we don’t know why it didn’t happen, this information came indirectly through backchannels since DHS is not telling the family much. There is currently no legal impediment to Julio’s deportation. That is why it is urgent that Governor Rendell take action on the pending pardon and that DHS exercise its discretion to stop the deportation until a decision on the pardon can be reached.
Seth Williams (Dem candidate for Philadelphia District Attorney) has still not accounted for his role in this injustice as the prosecutor on the case who ran an incomplete, biased prosecution. These are among the topics we’ll be discussing at the meeting, along with the role of Philadelphia law enforcement in breaking up immigrant families today–this was a problem in 1996 when Julio and Denis were attacked and it is even more of a problem today.
Crosspost – Swirl Standing with Atlanta’s LGBT Community
This is crossposted fromthe SwirlBlog:
From time to time we are compelled to stand up for what is right and condemn what is wrong. Swirl is a committed ally of the LGBT community. Therefore we felt compelled to voice our outrage about the recent Atlanta Police Department raid of the Atlanta Eagle, a long-standing LGBT establishment in the Atlanta community.
Dear Citizens:
As directors of the Atlanta and Philadelphia chapters of Swirl Inc, a national multi-racial organization focused on challenging notions of race through community building, education and action, we are outraged by the Atlanta Police Department’s raid of the Atlanta Eagle on September 10, 2009. We are troubled by the lack of transparency from City Government and Law Enforcement, as there has been little clarity about the charges filed against the owners of the Eagle or those who were arrested.
See full Op-Ed here!
New Chapter for New Beginnings
A passionate advocate, a “pesky” reporter and a few blog posts, and the Bensalem Township School Board decided to “reconsider” it’s ruling to cut the New Beginnings Program at Bensalem High School. The trade off – 700 service hours in the upcoming fiscal year instead of 1000.
I learned something new today about Patti’s program. Not only are these young parents graduating from high school at phenomenal rates, but many go on to lead incredible lives. Two of her former students addressed the Board tonight – one is graduating community college and will soon enroll in a nursing program, and the other is currently working at Jefferson.
Well done! Thank you for your comments (on and off site) and your prayers!
The School Board will most likely need to re-address funding issues surrounding New Beginnings sometime during the new fiscal year. Seeking alternative funding streams is most likely going to be a necessity, since the long-term repercussions of tonight’s cut in capacity will not go unnoticed by the community in need of these services.
ACTION ITEM! Please keep your eyes open for private (or government) grants that will fund direct services and/or advocacy for teen pregnancy/parenting.
On a side note – tonight was the first time in years that I really felt a part of a community. Perhaps it was the mission-orientedness of it all. My hunch, it was the people. Several Wellians came out in solidarity and support of Patti and her kids. Some of us went to Rita’s afterwards to celebrate. Yeah, Evan – I finally had Rita’s after more than 7 years.
“New Beginnings” at Risk
As many of you know, I have been attending The Well in Feasterville, PA, since January of this year. While my transition from the Orthodox Church to an evangelical Protestant church has been challenging at times, I have begin to make some connections that are important to me. The people at The Well are what have made my transition a little less painful.
Patti is one of those people.
Recently, Patti shared with me that her program at Bensalem High School that provides vital support to teen parents who struggle with staying in school while raising children was in danger of being cut due to the economic budget crisis. This past Sunday she informed us that the program’s closing was eminent unless the School Board was convinced otherwise. I do not live in Bucks Co., PA, so I cannot address the School Boad directly. But I do have this blog and people who continually return to learn about the issues that I care deeply about.I have asked Patti to share with us a little bit about her job at “New Beginnings”, and why cancelling this program will have a detrimental impact on the young parents that have come to reply on their services.
I encourage you to attend the School Board meeting on Wednesday May 27 at 7pm at 3000 Donallen Drive, Bensalem, PA 19020, and if you are a Bucks Co. resident, please consider speaking in support of the continued operation of this program!
TDP: Tell me about your job and how you were lead to your work?
Patti: 16 years ago, when I was ready to re-enter the work force I was looking for a job that would allow me to make a difference in my community while working with the youth population. As a mother of young children, I also wanted a work schedule compatible with my children’s schedules. The pregnant and parenting teen coordinator position at Bensalem High School was the perfect combination of all those requirements.
In my 16 years as coordinator/counselor, the program has expanded to include a fatherhood component that provides support and information for teen dads. We also developed a summer camp program with an emphasis on parenting skills while simultaneously helping students address issues (day care, homelessness, etc.) that may interfere with a return to school in September (camp was always funded by an external grant and has never been paid for with school district monies). Bensalem Township has partnered with the other Lower Bucks County School districts to apply for State grant funds that offset a portion of the cost of the New Beginnings program.
In my part-time position as coordinator/counselor, I provide direct services, access to community services, educational and group support, and advocacy support within the school system and the community for student participants. The number of students varies from year to year, but has been gradually increasing for the past four years and has peaked at 27 students at this point in time. Eleven of those students are due to graduate, which means that there will be at least 16 pregnant or parenting students expected back in the fall.
New Beginnings has maintained a graduation rate of over 90% throughout the 16 years I have been here. That is an excellent standard that will be impossible to maintain without specialized support.
TDP: What is the recent school board decision?
Patti: The school board voted in the proposed budget to completely cut the New Beginnings Program, along with 4 teachers, a secretary, and a non-teaching assistant (a discipline position). All of these positions are at the high school, so the general cuts will create a higher student/staff ratio, meaning there is less all around support for the high school population within our district, not to mention the complete loss of specialized support for pregnant and parenting teens.
TDP: How does it impact the students in your program?
Patti: The students in my program will be left with no specialized support to assist them in the process of accomplishing graduation from high school. As these students navigate the maze of pre-natal care, day care and day care subsidy, health insurance, health complications (for themselves & their children), three-generational living, financial stressors, educational pressures, and the list goes on; there will be no one within the school district to be sure that these kids get access to the supports that they need in order to succeed. Inevitably some of this population will fall through the cracks, drop out, and struggle to find a way to support themselves and their families.
TDP: What do you think are the long-term repercussions if the school board’s decision stands?
Patti: Long term, the consequences of a higher drop out rate will inevitably lead to a higher rate of welfare dependence for a longer period of time. Today’s teen parents will struggle to help their children succeed educationally because they’ve been left without adequate support to accomplish the goal themselves. There will also be a toll of a higher incidence of crime, drug & alcohol abuse, and other less appealing alternatives because good choices may seem out of reach for these kids.
TDP: How can people help? What are some action items?
Patti: Let the decision-makers know that you believe in paying a small amount of tax money now to prevent the large financial, personal, and societal cost that will ensue if we don’t. Voice your support at school board meetings ~ the next school board meeting will be held at 3000 Donallen Drive, Bensalem PA 19020 on May 27th, 2009. The final budget will be voted in at the board meeting on June 10th, 2009.
You can also express your support for the New Beginnings Program (the support program for pregnant and parenting teens at Bensalem High School) by emailing the school board members as follows:
Harry R. Kramer, President - hkramer@bensalemsd.org
Eugene A. Rothenberg, Vice President – erothenbe@bensalemsd.org
James A. Bodnar – jbodnar@bensalemsd.org
Dr. Lewis J. Brandt – lbrandt@bensalemsd.org
Rose Jacobs – rjacobs@bensalemsd.org
Carol T. Jones – cjones@bensalemsd.org
Carol L. McGuire – cmcguire@bensalemsd.org
Heather D. Nicholas – hnicholas@bensalemsd.org
Dr. Stephen C. Nowmos – snowmos@bensalemsd.org
And, you can contact the Superintendent and Assistant Superintendent and Acting Director of Pupil Personnel as follows:
Dr. James D. Lombardo, District Superintendent – 215-750-2800Ext. 4100 email: jlombardo@bensalemsd.org
Dr. William J. Gretzula, Assistant Superintendent – 215-750-2800 Ext. 4103 email: wgretzula@bensalemsd.org
Ms. Tammy Wood, Acting Director of Pupil Personnel – 215-750-2800 Ext. 4108 email: twood@bensalemsd.org
International Women’s Day 2009
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!
Please take this time to remember the incredible women in your life and those that paved the way before you!I could not have asked for a more perfect day! I started my day in fellowship at The Well and then participating in the IWD 2009 Conference in Center City, Philadelphia. I was a bit nervous about speaking, as I rarely get the chance to speak about faith before my peers in the LGBTQ of Color community. It is less stressful speaking before communities I have less of a personal stake in.
I made some great connections. Suraya Pakzad, Executive Director of Voices of Women Organization, came to speak about Women and Violance in Afghanistan. I was also able to finally meet Gloria Casarez, Director of LGBT Affairs for the City of Philadelphia, Virgina Gutierrez, President of the Board at Equality Advocates, and Wahaadah Shabazz-El of Women’s HIV Network.
The Anna Crusis Women’s Choir sang “Bread and Roses” (btw one of my favorite charities) and the Raices Culturales Latinoamericanas performed Aztec ceremonical rituals and dances. I am extremely humbled that people wanted TDP to faciliate new inter-faith LGBT dinscussions. Many also asked for my business card after my presentation. I definitely did not expect that reaction.
I was disappointed not to see Vanessa Brown at the conference. She is one of our newly elected State Representatives. I met her last year at a Progressive Leadership Women of Color brunch. I asked her when I first met her about the ways in which she intended to address LGBTQ issues in her district but did not receive an answer. I thought, perhaps the second time around would be the charm.
INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY
SPONSORED BY THE INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY PHILADELPHIA COALITION
LIBERATION – EQUALITY – JUSTICE!SUNDAY MARCH 8, 2009
PROGRAM12:00- 1:00PM RALLY AND MARCH @ CITY HALL
1:00- 1:30PM MARCH to FAMILY PLANNING COUNCIL
260 S. BROAD STREET1:30- 2:30PM LUNCH/REFRESHMENTS
2:30 – 2:45PM CEREMONIAL OPENING
Raíces Culturales Latinoamericanas Featuring Fuego NuevoOPENING/WELCOME/LIBATIONS by Soda Nobuhle, Arleen Olshan
2:45 -3:00PM CULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Anna Crusis Women’s Choir3:00-4:00PM Anti-War and International Union Solidarity
Kathy Black, Coalition of Labor Union Women (CLUW)The United Nations (UN) Conference on Women
Berta Joubert-CeciSingle Payer Health Care
Patty Eakin, President of the Pennsylvania Association of Nurses
and Allied ProfessionalsWomen and HIV/AIDS
Waheedah Shabazz-El, Women’s HIV NetworkCULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Sisters in Music and Poetry: Monnette Sudler and Trapeta MaysonLesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Communities – A Political Perspective
Gloria Casarez, Director of LGBT Affairs City of PhiladelphiaQueer Womyn on Faith and Spirituality
Kathrin P. Ivanovic, Principal Blogger at The Diversity ProjektViolence Towards Women Abroad: A Darfuran Women Speaks
About Rape as a Weapon of Genocide in Sudan
Fatima HarounWomen’s Heart and Health
Blanca Marti, Nurse Practitioner4:00-5:00 PM Womyn of Color- A Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and
Transgender Perspective LGBTQ Womyn of Color ConferenceCULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Creativity in Movement, Misia DeneaTransgender Womyn of Color – Action, Advocacy, Allies
Jaci AdamsWomen In Politics
State Representative Vanessa BrownEmployee Free Choice Act
Roni Green, SEIUSpoken in Arabic – Multicultural/Multiethnic Organizing
Nehad Khadir, Arab Women’s CommitteeCULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Songs of Hope, Fatimah LorénOccupational Safety and Health Issues Related to Women
Barbara Rahke, Director, Philadelphia Area Project on
Occupational Safety and HealthCULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Raíces Culturales Latinoamericanas Featuring Fuego NuevoWomen and Diabetes
Juanita FigueroaHousing: The Foreclosure Crisis
Louise FrancisWomen and Violence In Afghanistan
Suraya PakzadImmigration and Health Care Access
Teresa Conejo5:00-5:30PM CULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Poetry in Motion, Shayna SheNess Israel (SITY)CULTURAL PERFORMANCE
Raíces Culturales Latinoamericanas Featuring Fuego NuevoAction Plan
ALL5:30-6:00PM Reflections/Closing
Sherrie Cohen, Soda Nobuhle, Arleen OlshanIWD Philadelphia Coalition thanks its 2009 Sponsors: AFSCME District Council 47, Albert Einstein Medical Center, Anna Crusis Choir, Beta Phi Omega Sorority Inc., Carmen Bilingual toys and books, Café con Chocolate, Coalition for Labor Union Women, Code Pink, Darfur Alert Coalition, Hearts and More by Moon Queen, Lia Sophia, MayDay Committee, National Conference of Puerto Rican Women, National Association of Hispanic Nurses, PA Federation BMWED-IBT, Passion Party Consulting, Partnership for Prescription Assistance, Philadelphia International Action Center, Philadelphia NOW, Planned Parenthood, Raíces Culturales Latinoamericanas , Safeguards and Family Planning Council, Sisterspace, Sisters United @ The COLOURS Organization, Inc., Tacto Peruano, The COLOURS Organization Inc., The Womyn’s Village, Women’s Community Revitalization Project.
www.myspace.com/iwdphiladelphia; Email: iwdphiladelphia@yahoo.com; Phone: 267-997-8160
The Baby and the Bathwater, Uneasy Change
“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker
Saints Constantine and Helena c.1350
What if that person is you?
Seems like I only talk about trials and tribulations lately. The saga with my birth-father is never ending. My dad’s family is as loony as ever – especially with my cousin’s recent alcoholism induced death. I am really glad that my dad is relatively normal (and absolutely fabulous).
I seem to go through a spiritual shift every couple of years and I may just be smack in the middle of one right now. The emotional topsy turvy of it sure feels like it. I have been so agitated that I can’t even settle down to While I never question my foundation, I am often unsure as to whether I am on the same path – where the way in which I choose to express my faith (which fundamentally doesn’t change) ceases to feed me spiritually.
Although I was raised Lutheran, many years ago, I chose to worship as an Orthodox Christian. I was initially attracted to the organic and holistic worship of the OC, as well as the healthy balance of scripture and tradition of its theological foundation. But something changed along the way – most likely me. I used to have somewhat of a “whatever” attitude.
Being “out” has always been complicated at church - whether intentionally or non-intentionally, I’m not sure. I think it is more complicated than that either or paradigm. I’ve never felt guilty or ashamed for being gay. Nor do I feel more or less sinful than the next person (at least not due to my sexuality). I always felt that if we are truly made in God’s image, then he could not have possibly made a mistake in creating me as I am. Based on that premise, I have felt no need to abuse myself emotionally, psychologically or spiritually.
I am human though and do desire acceptance and belonging. I knew being openly gay would not fly in the Orthodox Church. I avoided all relationship questions and felt horrible doing so. I felt like I was lying, hiding and denying who I am - to myself and others. I’ve tip toed around the issue when attending various Lutheran congregations – ELC are fairly accepting and felt more comfortable in those parishes. I am currently proceeding on a case by case basis. Yet, not being university out is extremely uncomfortable for me. I am out in all other aspects of my life.
LGBTs of Faith
I hate hiding. THAT makes something “seem” dirty and wrong. I’ve grown increasingly unhappy about it. Without much recourse in the environment I was in, I decided to scope out some other congregations in the area. I was on the verge of giving up and dropping out of the church-going population, when a friend introduced me to her pastor. After several weeks of chatting and tweeting back and forth, he finally cornered me one Sunday. I really didn’t have anything preventing me from going to church and I was most certainly not going to lie to a man of the cloth, so I decided to venture out.
This will be the first year in quite some time where I am not celebrating Pascha in an Orthodox Church. Actually, I keep going back and forth about whether I will start Lent on Feb 25th ot March 2nd. I feel so torn and lost about this. People have asked me what the big deal is – Christian is Christian. Yes and No – I just don’t think it is that simple. I can’t imagine any mainstream protestants making a lighthearted jump to Eastern Orthodoxy or even Roman Catholicism (save for high church Anglicans).
Pascha (Easter) is my second most favorite time of the Church year. I start to get excited as early as Theophany. Just the thought of journeying through the resurrection of our Lord and shouting Khristos Voskrese! Voistinu Voskrese! fills my heart with such joy! Yet, yet – my most favorite moment in the church year is Cheesefare – Forgiveness Sunday holds a special place in my heart. I know, that is a bit odd, but…yeah, I will leave this for Sunday’s post!
With that being said, I feel like I am at a crossroads. I’ve attended a Russian church for several years now. I value the liturgical practices, whether based on scripture or apostolic tradition, as well as the holistic approach to living Christ-centered in the world. Yet, some of the cultural practices cause me pause. The liturgy is in Church Slavonic. The sermon is in Russian and the only portion of the liturgy people actually understand. Most parishes are far too ethnic and somewhat insular. As a convert, I often felt not quite a part of the club. There is no sense of evangelism and reaching out beyond their own community. Fellowship is mostly non-existent. I need these things – community, fellowship, purpose beyond my own back door – in order to grow spiritually.
I’ve spent much time in prayer and meditation about this. There are many liturgical traditions of the OC that remain important to me and that I will surely miss. Yet, what do you do when you no longer feel spiritually nourished? What do you do when it is unlikely that that you will grow spiritually without making a move? At what point do you surrender and move on?
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