• Finding Work Life Balance

    March 4, 2010 // 1 Comment »

    I work a lot. I probably work way too much. When I took my current position (more than a year ago at this point) I put in crazy hours. Those hours weren’t a phase but a constant in my life – early mornings, late nights, weekends, taking work home, you know the drill. In addition to working I was heavily involved with various other initiatives – BGCS, SwirlPhilly, etc.. Over the last year many of those things were pushed off of my plate. Ok full stop – I pushed them off of my plate. I have to take some ownership of this. I don’t think it was intentionally. I was already invested in the mission of the agency I worked before I ever accepted the offer to join their staff.  It definitely intensified when I came on board. I don’t regret it for a second.

    Nevertheless, I think I lost a part of my identity independent of where I worked. Everything sort of blended together and I lost sight of where one ended and the other began. Perhaps I became too invested. Is that even possible? This is not to say that being as invested and committed to our mission is a bad thing, but rather that a lot of other things I was/am passionate about went to the wayside. I really miss them and want to get connected again.

    I have been feeling very lost lately and I think it has to do with a lot of lack of balance in my life. I am not engaging in enough activities that bring me joy personally. I know we often talk about professional and personal realms blending in the non profit world, that it seems to be a natural occurance, but I am not sure if that is at all healthy. I think there needs to be boundary. Otherwise, burnout is a surity!

    I miss dancing. I keep wanting to get back into a dancing groove. I took a class on Saturday. The Medic and I went out Saturday night to Brasil’s. While I am not going to make class tonight, I am going to make it a point to go Saturday mornings. The dance schedule has completely shifted at Estilo, so I am going to have to go back to check which classes are being offered when.

    I miss blogging with a mission. I am blogging with an outdated mission.  Or perhaps I have drifted from the mission and just need to re-focus. The lifeblogging component has always been there, but it has definitely moved to the forefront over the last few months. Perhaps I am overthinking this, but I feel like the TDP brand is no longer clearly visible. Perhaps it really is time for a complete shift. I don’t know. I need to sit with this for a bit.

    I miss my Swirl family. I need to recharge our local chapter. I have been so busy with everything else that SwirlPhilly sort of driftet off of that proverbial plate of mine. I am going to reach out to all of the local members this weekend and set up socials for March, April and May, as well as a planning meeting. I hope to recruit one or two more individuals who are interested in serving as part of the leadership team.

    While work remains demanding and I am committed as ever to being a part of the agency’s long-term success, I also need to take more time to ensure my personal and professional success beyond the agency. I realize there are only 24 hours in the day – much to my shagrin – and if I ease up on work hours only to fill my plate with other things, I am going to end up with the same result…burnout.

    So, balance! There are many things I want to return to doing,but for now, dancing, blogging and SwirlPhilly are on my agenda.

    Do you find that your work and personal blend in together? How have you set boundaries in your life to attain and/or maintain balance?

    Posted in Career, Healthy Living, Relationship

    Square Peg, Round Hole

    January 20, 2010 // No Comments »

    I have been that girl before! Everyone knows her or has been her before. You know, the one who gets into a relationship and disappears into a vacuum, into the new relationship black hole. I knew it was unhealthy each and every time. I knew that things would end badly (even though things often ended for very different reasons but the disappearing act contributed to the dissolution), but I made the choice anyway. I probably owe some amends, as none of my friends deserved to be treated like that – good enough to hang out with when I was single but expendable when I was coupled. That’s definitely not the message I wanted to send, yet its what I did over and over again.

    I always felt – subconsciously – that I was compensating for something that was lacking in the relationship. There wasn’t enough or right form of communication, or honesty, or depth of understanding, or laughter…the list goes on and on. So, if there wasn’t enough of all those things, then we were going to spend every waking, non working moment together. Perhaps my past partners also sensed something was missing as their choice was often quantity over quality time as well. The controlling and abusive relationship not withstanding – most of my relationships were of this sort. While I was always non-committal at first, each one built into entities with little substance despite the amount of ‘together time’. Nevertheless, I often made the choice to invest time in a relationship that was never going to work. I knew it was never going to work, yet giving up just didn’t seem like a viable option. It’s like forcing a square peg into a round hole…..just not going to happen! Someone’s going to break something!

    I’ve come to realize that it isn’t a matter of giving up or not. Rather, it has everything to do with being in a relationship that is mutually fulfilling, balanced and thereby healthy. Relationships, while requiring investment from both parties, really shouldn’t always be hard or require painstaking effort to make it feel right. In hind sight, I’d argue that if it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Yeah, 20/20 is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?  Thankfully I learned this long before the Medic came into the picture.

    Speaking of the Medic – one of the things I cherish about our time together is our sense of balance. We almost spend as much time with friends and doing every-day things as we steal private time to just enjoy each other. Nothing is forced or…ok, sometimes getting out of bed requires an extensive amount of motivation, but nothing about us is forced. It just works – we fit. The logistical dysfunction – distance – has helped (or forced us, depending on how you see it) us focus on quality over quantity.

    I must admit though that no matter how much I embrace the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing, I know that I am not wired for long distance relationships.  Yet, trusting her (and myself), the dimensions of communication we have developed and the temporariness of it all keep me from wigging.  Oh, and have I mentioned that I am ridiculously in love with her? Yeah…

    Posted in Healthy Living, Relationship, The Medic

    Noise, Silence and Other Balancing Acts

    September 5, 2009 // No Comments »

    Whoever said that silence is golden, was out of his or her  mind!

    For better or for worse, I am surrounded by noise almost every waking hour. Whether it is engaging with people at work, going out with friends, stuffing headphones in my ears, or constantly having some news program on at home (MSNBC is my preference), I am surrounded by noise at every turn. I find comfort in noise. I am not at all comfortable still or in silence. I have an incredibly difficult time shutting off my mind.  I meditate regularly, but that is the only time I am able to slow my mind down and achieve something resembling mental calm.

    That is, until I crawl into bed. My mind races as soon as my head hits the pillow. I think about everything I thought, said and did during the day. My mind goes into a tail spin. Instead of sinking into sleep, I am wide awake a revisit my day’s activities and the thousands of things I need to get accomplished during the next day.

    Last night was just one of those nights. After a long week that seemed to never end, I decided to crawl into bed around 10pm. I barely finished watching Rachel Maddow. I had to will myself awake through the last 15 minutes. Then, my head hits the pillow and I was wide awake!

    I tossed and turned for an hour. Left side of the bed, right side of the bed, and then to the foot of the bed! On  my stomach. On my right side and left side. On my back. With blanket. Without blanket. Everything to no avail. I was wide awake.  I finally got back up and sifted through my Google Reader. After another four hours of reading I felt tired enough to drift off. So the ritual began anew – turned TV off, closed porch screen, and off to bed I went. Samson even cuddled up with me. After another 30 restless minutes I was out.

    Restless nights are a direct reflection of my stress level. To say the least, I am uber stressed right now, especially at work. NSC’s annual gala is coming up in 26 days and there is still so much to do. I have several free lance gigs on the table too with deadlines quickly approaching. I need to find new and/or better ways to de-stress. I need to work out more and to make better nutrition choices. You may be hearing more about my quest to practice a healthier lifestyle, my quest for balance.

    And, then there is the most important thing – I am being more intentional about making my social life a priority, re-connecting with friends I have fallen out of touch with, meeting new people. After sitting on the dating and kink sidelines for more than two years (post about this to follow shortly), I recently got back into the game. The kink part is considerably more complicated and loaded. Nevertheless, earlier this summer I dated the lawyer. One date turned into 3 weeks. Ultimatley we’re too different and shared very few interests, hobbies and political opinions. In fact, she dislikes politics or any debate thereof, has little interest in investing herself in social justice causes and dare I say was apathetic toward sex.  I noticed that even before we had sex. She didn’t even like talking about liked and dislikes. This is a massive deal breaker. She called me more than I called her, which probably is telling about my interest than anything.

    Then came the series of first dates that didn’t go anywhere – the farmer, the mechanic, the coach and the one I still don’t know what she does exactly. She “works on things’.  Can you tell the conversation was lively? There was no spark, no interests in common. Conversations felt forced and shallow. Definitely no chemistry, no desire to fuck on my part. Those are signs, neon flashing signs.

    I have met all of these people via friends or friends of friends. One I even met at a networking event. So, I am going to try something new – online dating.

    Stay tuned….

    Posted in Faith/Spirituality, Personal Life